she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
be right there i have to get my cape
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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