one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
