hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize