franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
