Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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