There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
