The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
