The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
