Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize