i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
