in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
