Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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