Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize