I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
this is an emotional support booty call
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
