Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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