for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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