better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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