A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
