I think I won the penis lottery.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
