she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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