Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
