Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
