I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
