Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
