sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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