I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
