i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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