Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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