She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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