I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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