I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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