I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize