Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
