just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You dont lie about slip and slides
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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