Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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