i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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