So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
