i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
