I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
