Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
50% drunk capacity currently
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
