i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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