Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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