When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
