she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
