Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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