there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
