hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
