It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
