Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
