I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
