i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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