Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
