my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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