Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize