We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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