I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
