people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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