spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
did i just pee glitter
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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