im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
