just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
