There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
