dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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