So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
