Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
