Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Actions speak louder than pants.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
