Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
